Not an actual update really but more of a rant

I have never been a thin person. I always have been heavier than everyone around me. The thing is that I had a decent view of myself up until about my first year in college. I started to gain weight pretty quick in college because I stopped doing sports like I had in high school (3 season athlete) and I could just eat as much as I could at food service. When I would go to the gym during college I always felt awkward and I never had a plan (*Note: always have a plan or routine before going to the gym! You are much more likely to get things done!) So I never went much. My last year I did start to walk to school which was about a 1/4 to 1/2 a mile one way I'm guessing. This is good since I was working as a pizza delivery person. As I got back to the Twin Cities where I am from it took me about a year to get my finances together enough to afford a gym membership. (I swear there is a point)

One of the first non-strength centered lift days me and my friend, amateur fitness buff AAA, we did an exercise where there is a bar which you held onto and then walked your way underneath it. It kind of looks like you are doing an upside down push up. As I was getting into position I started to worrying about the bar cage falling over because of how heavy I am. It had to be over a thousand pounds plus there was weights on the other side of the cage for storage. There was NO way I was going to make it fall over but that is what I believed. I felt the same thing when we were working the lower back when we did back extensions. I thought I was going to flip the entire thing over. I did not realize until then how much my self confidence has faded because of how much I weigh now. Insult to injury of course is the fact that I'm diabetic. So I can't even pretend that at this weight I am healthy because I know that I am not. I don't know. It's just weird to go from being the large, healthy, active and confident person that I was in high school to this even larger, unhealthy, self-doubting, lethargic person I seem to have become. So... this is more depressing than I meant it to be. I will update tonight about my first couch to 5k workout later tonight.